Behind The Language Barrier

I've visited France twice with two Mikes -- one a friend who speaks adequate French, and Mike my son, who, it turns out, is a talented mime.  Other than being lost in the Loire Valley (Mike #1) and once on a bus in Paris (Mike #2), we did okay.  Many of the French sales and service people speak English very well, and with a little effort on everyone's part, communication isn't a problem.  A big, toothy American smile and a fistful of Euros also go a long way.

I took three years of French in high school and college -- back when vocabulary words were chiseled on stone tablets.  Unfortunately, the only phrases that seem to have stuck in my brain are "my aunt's pen" and "shut your mouth" -- both learned with a miserable accent,.  Thanks, Sister Anna Miriam; you obviously never visited the Belgium Mother House!

For this adventure, where I'll be mostly on my own and not limited to Paris, I felt it was necessary to at least brush up on my rudimentary skills and maybe learn a few new nouns  (train-- telephone -- television -- which apparently didn't exist in my undergrad days). 

I found a class (The Pimsleur Approach) which is in dialogue format on CD's that happen to be available through my library and a friend's, who graciously shared with me.

Do you appreciate the irony that "I don't understand French" and "I don't speak French" are the first phrases they teach you?  Or how about waiting until the end of Part 1 (of 3 parts) to learn how to ask where the bathroom is? 

Part 1 seems to spend an obscene amount of time arranging a date with a complete stranger, including how to invite that stranger, or respond to the invitation, to one's house to drink wine or beer.  The water option doesn't appear until much later in the course, presumably when you're recovering from the hangover.

 Early on, they also teach how to count and spend many, many Euros for wine and beer.  I'm getting the picture that alcohol is a necessary part of the true French experience.  I'm more than halfway through the course and I've yet to learn how to eat anything -- neither croissant nor baguette!  (Did you know you spoke French?)

To supplement the CD's and help with reading comprehension, I bought a couple of French phrase books.  Checking out the "dining" sections, olives, oranges, margarine, ketchup, sandwiches, dessert and mayonnaise are the same in French as in English, so I'm safe there.  "Salade" and "soupe" only have an extra "e", so that's cool.  Many other words are easy to figure out -- celeri, carotte and concombre (cuke to you), but then they go and slip in something sneaky like poisson (fish, not poison) and escargot, which isn't even close to "snail" -- and I certainly don't want to be close to a snail.  Ordering a glass of champignons will only get you a weird look and a plate of mushrooms.  And, had I not checked the list, I might have planned to order lapin, just because the word is cute -- and been faced with a sweet little bunny on my plate.  Merde!

Thank God, Rick Steves' phrase book includes the admonishment to bring "nothing with eyeballs."  He also has thoughtfully added necessary sentences like:

• "Keep the change.  This ride was more fun than Disneyland."
• "If you don't slow down, I'll throw up."
• "How long has this been dead?"
• "Do any of your customers return?"
• ...and one I'm sure I'll use in drizzly April, "It's raining like cow piss."

This language course spends hours on correct pronunciation, and I've found that I sound much better with gum in my mouth to produce enough saliva for those throaty R's, but I don't know how the French will feel about a tennis-shoe-clad, gum-chewing grandma.  I've yet to master the nasal N's, though -- this Lithuanian snout just isn't long enough to produce that trumpety sound -- even with a cold.

Yeah, I'm a little nervous about the language difference.  As unlikely as it may seem to those who know me well, I'm pretty shy around strangers -- and I'll be in a whole country of strangers.  But, I have time, so it probably won't matter too much if I don't get on the right train or get off at the right stop.  Just don't bring me anything with eyeballs.